Thursday, October 29, 2009

Relatively Good Day Today

I have been taking my meds almost on schedule lately. Today wasn't too bad a day. Didn't cook dinner, but had plenty of leftover stuffed pepper soup in the fridge. I did remember to keep my appointment for a haircut. I usually make the appointment for a cut, color and highlights, but being out of work on disability, I'm watching the pennies from one check to the next. Thank God my husband is working.

I like the haircut. What necessitated the cut was the fact that my sister offered to help me color my hair this weekend. I couldn't have her see me looking like a dust bunny with legs, so I made a date with the hairdresser. I am trying to save pennies, but honestly, my hairdresser is the only one I will allow to cut my hair. She's done it for years, since the days when highlights were done when the hair was pulled through thin caps with (sharp)crochet hooks. Remember that? I still remember my little one who accompanied me saying "Gee, Mommy - you look just like Beetlejuice!" For months now I've been unwilling to leave the house for any reason except to work - on days when I felt I could handle it. Most of those days I haven't been able to. So the hair's been growing out and looking a little wild.

Anyway, my standard summer cut is short - Jamie Lee Curtis in the Activia commercials short. The winter version is a touch longer.

Wondering what the day holds in store for tomorrow. Painful? Cathartic? Most days I come home in tears. I hope that lets up soon.

Forgive me, readers. I hope to get back to crochet-related posts soon.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Tomorrow is Another Day

These group sessions I'm attending are difficult at times. It's comforting to know that others find themselves in a difficult situation, but once it's your turn to speak...

The pain, the insecurities, the grief, the guilt...this is what we're dredging up, little by little.

To parents out there who feel that their child is "just doing what kids do" when they tease or make fun of other children - shame on you! You have no clue what you are condoning! Have the guts to make your kid stop victimizing those who are different from them. If you were teased or, worse yet, if you were the bully - stop the cycle now.

I went out the other day and bought some yarn, hoping to get a project started. Hasn't happened yet. This overwhelming lethargy and apathy is unbelievable.

I did make an appointment to go get my hair cut. I haven't had it done for months. I usually wear it very short, and it's gotten to an annoying length. Yesterday I washed it and let it dry. Looked in the mirror and said "What the hell is that on my head? Looks like something the cat coughed up!" I trust my hairdresser will think of something good to do with it.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Wednesday

Creative title, huh?

Yesterday I wrote that my brain is empty. I have been feeling for a long time that my heart is empty too. I don't want to go to therapy today, but I will. Monday was a very difficult session and I don't want to relive it again. But I must if I want to feel again.

I can't tell you how much I love my husband, children, brothers and sisters for sticking by me and supporting me. I do love them but I have so much trouble expressing it.

I'm already in tears and I still have 20 minutes before having to leave for therapy.

I feel like I'm broken and impossible to fix.

I hate this feeling. Thank you, cyberfriends, for checking in with me.

To others in my situation - I may sound down right now - part of the bipolar disorder, I guess. Please follow through with treatment - I do intend to leave here on time and make my session, as difficult as it will be.

Old wounds have been festering for a long long time and it's time to clean them up.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Brain Is Empty Today

I've been wanting to post, but I haven't a clue what to post about.

Since I can't make a decision, I even left dinner up to my son. He decided on cheesesteaks. Thank goodness for delivery...

I've taken my new medication and I think I'll settle down for the evening. I so wish I could pick up my crochet hook to pass the time, but I haven't any interest in it lately. It's killing me.

Another session tomorrow. Hope it goes better than Monday's session. This is so difficult...

Thanks to all for your prayers. Please keep them coming.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Fighting the Fight Again

I've been struggling again with depression. I've decided to try talk therapy in addition to medication. My days have been filled with tears and with an overwhelming sadness for many months now. I hope that the new medications and the therapy will make a big change in me. My singular joy in life has been visiting with my grandson. I haven't picked up a crochet hook in ages, with the exception of those chemo caps I promised to my sister in law. I finished them and sent them on their way. I will update this post with photos of the finished caps.

Please forgive me for not posting on a regular basis. I do enjoy writing and miss blogging.

Please keep me in your prayers, good friends.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

The Power of Words

I've been perturbed by things I've seen and heard lately. Children who use foul language, backtalking their parents. Worse yet, parents using foul language or saying mean, hurtful things when speaking to their children. Wonder where the child's reactions come from?

Let me tell you that words are powerful things. They cut deeply, like a knife, when used the wrong way. Those cuts reach all the way to the soul, and are difficult to heal. Sometimes they never heal.

If you know a parent who fits the description above, please advise them to stop. They are wreaking havoc with their child's psyche.


Such simple words! But words are mighty things;
They cast us down, or lift us up to rest;
They charm and strengthen, till our angel sings
The last of all the life-songs, and the best.


SARAH DOUDNEY, Some Words

Words once spoke can never be recall'd.


WENTWORTH DILLON, Art of Poetry

Use your words wisely - walk away before saying anything destructive. But blurt it out when you want to tell your children you love them.

I'll step down from my soapbox now...

Friday, October 2, 2009

I've Been Absent For a While

Sorry - I've been absent lately. I haven't been feeling well and hope that I'll be back to blogging on a regular basis soon.

I'm about to head out for an appointment this morning, and want to leave early enough to pick up a cup of coffee.

I really miss blogging and hope to be back every day - very soon. I do still check in with my favorites whenever I stop by here. Hope my cyber friends are doing well.

Take care, everyone.